4Game

Hey folks!

I've made it no secret in the past that I had to step away from competitive WoT. Nerve/muscle damage from broken back (it was broken slightly above the center of my shoulder blades) has made motor control that I used to take pride in, become iffy. I know I meant to hit W, but my finger doesn't move. I know i meant to move my mouse to the right, but it moves up. Things like that. Learning to work around that and to not only keep the same level of 'competence' at this game, but to slowly start to improve again, has been quite a journey.

Re-adjusting to some of my favorite hobbies has been hard. I picked up working on legos to help with fine motor control. I wrestle with my dog to help strengthen my arms. Games help with retraining fine motor control. But I still remember what it was like before, and it makes me jealous of what I used to have.

Dealing with it all sometimes puts me in a dark mood. A very dark mood. So I've tried all sorts of methods to help deal with it. Whiskey helps to an extent. Spending time with my daughter helps. Finding ways to keep my mind off of it and find entertainment has helped a bit, and then I recently re-discovered Twitch as an outlet for entertainment after having not used it for quite a long time.

The past couple months has been the first time I've ever actively participated in the twitch drops from streams. I've been watching QB, Daki, Skill, AEG, Dez, Circon, Orzanel, and a few others at random. I went a long time without watching any streams because it reminded me of the physical ability i have lost. In the end, being entertained won out over my self-pity.

I have actually enjoyed watching others play. I love the over-the-top reactions when RNG hits just right, or when the dumbest/silliest things happen in game right in front of the streamer. It is enjoyable to feel a contact-joy (akin to contact buzz) from them. So for my tiny little part as being a part of their audience, I would love to tell them all "THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU"!

Thanks to them, I have had a bit of re-invigoration in this game. I have taken to playing it more than once a month again (now often 3-4 days a week). I have been able to work on my play, learn how to play in ways to compensate for my lack of physical ability, and recently, have finally started improving as a player again, with my stats (that I no longer care as deeply about, but seeing them get better is still fun) slowly starting to creep upwards again. Its no secret who I am – if you want to look me up – Private_Public , NA Server. I make no secret of who I am in game. Lots of tier 6 recently because it is super easy to complete 100 points for the 15 bonus for the Battle Pass Missions.

But my story now circles around back to those streamers that re-invigorated my joy for the game. Yeah, they are great fun to watch. Then they poo all over players like myself, when they get 4-5k in a tier 8 match and call it garbage/terrible/bad play. Matches that would have me wanting to hop for joy if I scored those kind of stats, and they are crapping on it.

Even Skill, who often acknowledges "for a 3 mark, i need to score this. I only got 2/3 this score, but still, this was a good game. Enjoyable" will still without warning randomly crap on a game – get 7-8k combined and call it terrible.

Yes, part of it is jealousy on my side. I've never been as good at the game as them. I know my place in the game – I'm above average (recents usually bounce between 54 and 58% winrate), but watching these folks crap all over the results of matches that would have me ecstatic just blows my mind. Yes, I would love to be as skilled as these players. I would love to think that a 4-5k combined game is terrible.

But that is my jealousy speaking. I keep having to remind myself that they aren't singling out players like me. They are comparing their results to their own high expectations for themselves. The same as I do when I look at a match in say, the KV-2 and go "Darn it, only 1.5k. I could have probably got 2.5-3k damage if i would have been a little more patient!"

Turns out, I'm not so different from them. Just my scale of what I consider adequate, is different from theirs.

So, in the end, I just wanted to share some of my struggles, some of my joys, and invite you all to be jealous along with me, while we all try to find our way, and our enjoyment, in this game.