4Game

Hey folks!

I have more than once told people on here "If you get frustrated with a game, or get angry at a game, then it isn't a game. Step away from it." I have been following my own advice.

But the problem isn't WoT. The problem isn't the other players. The problem exists elsewhere. Myself.

You see, last night, I decided to log in and play some matches. I finally unlocked – and played 4 matches in – my Tier 9 Italian TD. I played some matches in some other tanks, and had a generally enjoyable evening – or at least what would have normally been enjoyable. But it felt wrong all evening. I wasn't enjoying myself (other than finding out there are wild pigs outside the map boundary on Outpost. I spent 5 minutes making a fool of myself in in-game chat when i discovered them).

Then I realized what has been making me feel so 'wrong' and 'off' in game. Not only in WoT, but in other games. The nerve damage from where I broke my back has made controlling my right hand/arm a lot less precise. Instead of snapping to a position to aim, i'm rolling my hand/wrist around trying to get somewhere in the nearest zipcode. Instead of having steady aim, it is shaking all around. I've lost a lot of fine motor control, and it is frustrating me.

I've been down to 1 arm before (severe injury in my late teens – couldn't use my right arm for nearly a year). I know I can learn to adapt. But I turn 40 this December, and I adapt slower. I learn slower. Things that used to come naturally now come at a struggle.

So, I forced myself to change my perspective. I know I can't be a competitive player anymore. It is why i left RDTT2 and freed up a spot for someone who could be. So, I needed to get out of that competitive mindset and just get into a 'i'm off work, i'm a dad, my kid is not bothering me, let us enjoy making boom-boom with 29 others", mood.

You know what? It did wonders for me. Yes, i'm still struggling to control the aim of my tanks. That will be with me the rest of my life. But my attitude shifted. I no longer cared that I wasn't the best or one of the best on the team. I was just able to participate and enjoy driving a tank and blowing up other tanks. I was able to (as alluded to earlier with the pigs on Outpost), notice the small things and take great joy in them.

Suddenly, WoT is fun again. I'm no longer mad because I can't aim as quickly or as precisely as I used to be able to. I'm no longer mad when my finger won't respond and I can't click LMB. I'm able to just have the experience and still have fun.

Just felt like sharing this. There is no shame in not being hyper competitive. That is what Clan Wars, or the various Ranked/Competitive modes are for. Randoms are for guys like me – middle-aged dads who have some free time, and may have neurological issues from past injuries – but we still can contribute something. Even if it is to laugh while we ram the enemy.

Here is hoping that you all have a wonderful week, wherever you may be.