This Game Makes Me Poop: Science Disproves Cheater Theories

After seeing numerous threads evaluating how 'common' cheaters are (and especially radar users) in Tarkov, I realized that my body has been a living test subject on this very topic for a couple years now.

See, Tarkov makes me poop. I'm not sure how to explain it, but the general stress and spookiness of the game really gets my bowels growling in a big way. As a result, I've gained a true mastery of all the good AFK spots on maps, and especially on my favorite map (Reserve).

I won't even charge BSG for the valuable data that I've acquired while AFK'ing and playing mobile games on the shitter. I have some damn good hiding places and play slow as hell, so anyone that finds me is pretty suspicious and deserves reporting.

In theory, my high-value AFK PMC should be a magnet for every cheater on Reserve. How many found me?

My Methodology Was…

  • 30% of my games require a poop break.
  • Poop breaks last approximately 15 minutes, and tend to occur between 5-10 minutes into raid.
  • Sample size is approximately 100 games involving bathroom time this wipe (heh).
  • All US East/Central Servers selected.

The Rules Are…

  • All testing occurred on Reserve, with my PMC hiding in the bathroom stalls and showers of White/Black Pawn, White/Black Knight stalls, Queen bathroom, and while laying prone behind the tank in the SW corner bunker of the map.
  • Only solo games (not a problem as my friends hate this game)

  • I'll hold it in if I hear footsteps nearby, though this impacts my aim terribly (data not included).

  • My kits are always 500k-1kk rubles in value, so I'd be a nice catch for a radar/ESP boy.

  • I must wash my hands before returning to work.

The Results Are…

  • 0 deaths due to people finding me AFK while I urgently evacuated in the bathroom.
  • 2 MIA deaths due to me taking too long to wipe and not making it to D2 extract.


Either claims of radar cheaters being in every lobby are vastly overblown, or cheaters have a courteous respect for PMCs AFK in the bathrooms of Reserve.

This doesn't disprove cheaters… I've definitely had some suspect deaths this wipe, but I think we should be cautious in pushing claims that cheaters are 'everywhere'. With the mindset that everyone is cheating, and the difficulty of farming rubles this wipe, that kind of talk is free advertising for the scum of the earth.

I know this all sounds like a joke, but this game really does do something terrible to my digestion. No, I haven't shit myself yet but I probably will if I ever find a red keycard.

TL;DR: Claims of radar/ESP hackers in every lobby are probably overblown, and I think I have IBS but that's okay.


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