This game makes me utterly miserable, but I want to enjoy it so much I think I’m addicted. What do I do?

Gonna start off by saying I have over 300 hours in the game, not a whole lot, but enough to know the ropes. However even after a good chunk of time, I still get wrecked in what feels like 19 times in every 20 matches. I just recently decided to re-install after taking a break from the game for a year and the issue still is a thing. I suck. Hard. And it makes me miserable. But I can't stop playing. Why? Because getting kills, especially PvP ones, are immensely satisfying and the gunfights are thrilling (when I don't die in half a second.) And I love the realism and just the gunplay in general. There's nothing else like it. But I believe I have textbook addiction because joining a raid almost feels like gambling. Like there's a small chance I'll get a kill and it will feel SO good and be so much fun. And so when I die, I just keep spinning, and spinning, and it's sucking the life out of me, because I always get wrecked. I've uninstalled the game, by my brain is begging me to give it just one more shot. Do I give it another go, and just keep playing until I MAYBE get better? Or do I grit my teeth and just accept the game isn't for me. What are your thoughts?